The Hand Me Down Family

The holidays usually bring out the materialistic side in me. So far I have been happy with being the hand me down family. Our house is a modest 3br home with a nasty bathroom due to the tile falling down in the bathtub. All of it is filled with things that family has given us over the years. The 13yo tvs might not glimmer like a new shiny HDTV. And we may have to band on the vcr player to make sure it doesn't eat the tapes but hey, I have been happy with it.... until today.
I have never been one to become selfish but for some oddity I am sure feeling that this week. I'm tired of being flat broke; spending 40 dollars at the grocery store hoping that will feed this family of 6. I soo beg to be one of those lucky people that I cry myself to sleep at night. You're probably one of those lucky people and don't even know it.
What I call the lucky people are the black friday shoppers that get to go out and have fun. They can buy a new tv or a laptop; hell, maybe both. I would like to go with more than 20 dollars so that I can buy something a little better quality for my children. Trust me you don't want to know what that feels like. I want soo much with no hopes in sight. Maybe a new stove that isn't from the 60s that only has 2 working burners, be able to fix the bath/shower so the kids can enjoy their baths. What I would give to have new tvs, a blu-ray player and a camera.
My husband works 2 full time jobs. His day job is killing us. He is a mechanic and gets paid on commission; no cars, no money. His boss is starving him, starving us, to try to make him quit. Over what? Lord knows. My husband is very quiet and a hard worker and since he doesn't mix well with the others; they try to outcast him. I hope that his boss is happy living with the fact that we sometimes barely have enough in the fridge. I hope that he sits there with his favorite steak dinner and watching some stupid show on Netflix that he has made me turn ugly. I was once so grateful for what I have but now in this day; I realize that I am dirt poor,tired, and seek revenge. We slave our butts off and get nothing in return. I ask when; when will it be our turn to have a nice Christmas; when will it be our turn that we can hand things down to others instead of them being handed down to us. Lord, I just pray that day will be soon.

Why can't I get past this speed bump?

I know no one really pays attention to this blog. I am always seen but never heard. I try to do the best I can to help out others and be a good person but that luck never reflects what I give out. For once I wish our luck would change.
My husband is an auto mechanic and gets paid on a flat fee; pretty much what he works on. If he doesn't have anything to work on, then he doesnt get paid. He goes into work from 8-5 and pretty much just stands around until there is work. Its that slow and so far has only 8 hours on his check. We have been getting a 800/month loss on his paychecks for the last few months. I try to do what I can and cut coupons and save by staying home. We don't own any credits cards nor cell phones. The only luxury we have is basic internet ( which also helps our home phone through magic jack). Every week it is the same; bills or groceries that we have to choose to go without. Have you ever fed a family of 6 on a $55 dollar per week budget? Not great let me tell ya. With milk soaring to almost 3 bucks a gallon, it just means less and less food in the fridge.
Having no money makes you mean; it rips at your soul and puts a true test to your own well being. I am starting to despise people that I should not even despise in the first place. If you eat at McDonalds or Taco Bell for lunch; I despise you. Don't tell me about you being able to spend money and go shopping; I will despise you as well. Its not that I really despise you; its just that I have been so poor for so long that I see it as I am a rabid, starved little dog and you are holding a steak over my head. I need change.
Well get a job you say? Easier said than done. My best friend has actually offered me a job. It is only 10/hr but thats not too bad. But add 450/month for Hannah's daycare plus 667/month for AJ and Nick's before and after school care that leaves me 155/wk from a 450 dollar paycheck. Since husband works two jobs (8am to 5pm and then 11pm to 4am) there is really no way to find an inbetween and work as a waitress, etc.
Dammit, I just want to be one of those lucky people. The people that can buy clothes for their children. AJ has 2, yes TWO pairs of pants. I would love to buy him so more even if that means goodwill. What I really would love more than anything is to be one of those lucky people that can go out shopping with their friends on black friday and not stress over not having enough money. Last year while I stood in line I had to debate which toy I had to put back and only had enough for a 5 dollar baby doll and 2 hoodies for my children. I absolutely love black friday, call me crazy if you wish. I just want to be able to have fun on a day that I enjoy so much not go to my car and bawl my eyes out and envy the people around me. Why lord why can't I get over this damned speed bump!!!