I have come to a fork in the road or rather a rock and a hard place. Or is it rock in a hard place. Heck, I don't know. Either way its a rough decision no matter how I look at it.
Right now my dear, sweet husband is working 2 jobs to keep us above water. I was working at a looney mouse factory ( lets just keep it like that, LOL) and had to quit because of his schedule conflict. He works the typical 8-5'er during the day and then the 11pm to 4 am. So I see him for 10 minutes while he is eating, showering, throne business; and its off to bedy bye for him.
I want to lighten his load. I have always wanted to go back to a lovely office. I started the working career as this and that is how I would like to end it. Thus, a proposal fell in my lap. My dear friend offered me a 10/hr, 45 hr job in said office. I thought "YAY!" then I realized.. "daycare is going to eat me alive!". The best rate I could find for my HANKsters is 1116/mo or roughly 264/wk. Now realizing I would be bringing home about 400 after taxes. That means I will have made a whole 136 buckaroos after I pay daycare. That working 50 hrs a week ( 45 after lunch breaks); do I think I can have that on my brain and keep chipper? I have no clue.
I mean, its not a stressful job. I have done stressful and lifted 450lb patients before. Coming from a 125lb gal, that is impressive. I have also been bitten, slapped, pooped/peed on and chased by a naked angry man. Although its funny now, it was quite scary at the time. I don't want to go back to this. I loved the people I took care of even if it was just for a short while; but I cannot see another death go so cold to the heart anymore. No one to mourn them or fight for them. There was once a patient I thought dearly of that died because the head nurse was to much in a rush and crammed food down his throat. He had dysphagia or difficulty swallowing and all that food went to his lungs ( aspirated). She just wheeled him back to his room and left him to die. The sound; of his breathing was like water under a bridge; I will never forget it. I called for another nurse to quickly suction him. Yet the machine was out of order eventhough it had been signed off to be fully functional. He died that next day. I can no longer and will no longer feel helpless. If I could have pushed those freaking rule books out the window and did beyond my experience maybe it might have saved him. I probably would have been in jail for doing something only an RN or dr could do but I bet he would still be alive to this day.
Anyhow, sorry to get side tracked. My problem is change and yes I am scared of it. I am afraid that if I take said job that I will begin to hate it because I don't get even half of my paycheck. Thus resulting in a damaged friendship. What if I get the job and then can't find daycare? I am not one to burden anyone. Will I be the one staying home with sick kids and then loosing that job? So many scary "W's" pop up in my mind. Then again I think about poor hubby who is left holding the ball. I'm just afraid that I will mess up and we can't afford any mistakes.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Why can't I get past this speed bump?
I know no one really pays attention to this blog. I am always seen but never heard. I try to do the best I can to help out others and be a good person but that luck never reflects what I give out. For once I wish our luck would change.
My husband is an auto mechanic and gets paid on a flat fee; pretty much what he works on. If he doesn't have anything to work on, then he doesnt get paid. He goes into work from 8-5 and pretty much just stands around until there is work. Its that slow and so far has only 8 hours on his check. We have been getting a 800/month loss on his paychecks for the last few months. I try to do what I can and cut coupons and save by staying home. We don't own any credits cards nor cell phones. The only luxury we have is basic internet ( which also helps our home phone through magic jack). Every week it is the same; bills or groceries that we have to choose to go without. Have you ever fed a family of 6 on a $55 dollar per week budget? Not great let me tell ya. With milk soaring to almost 3 bucks a gallon, it just means less and less food in the fridge.
Having no money makes you mean; it rips at your soul and puts a true test to your own well being. I am starting to despise people that I should not even despise in the first place. If you eat at McDonalds or Taco Bell for lunch; I despise you. Don't tell me about you being able to spend money and go shopping; I will despise you as well. Its not that I really despise you; its just that I have been so poor for so long that I see it as I am a rabid, starved little dog and you are holding a steak over my head. I need change.
Well get a job you say? Easier said than done. My best friend has actually offered me a job. It is only 10/hr but thats not too bad. But add 450/month for Hannah's daycare plus 667/month for AJ and Nick's before and after school care that leaves me 155/wk from a 450 dollar paycheck. Since husband works two jobs (8am to 5pm and then 11pm to 4am) there is really no way to find an inbetween and work as a waitress, etc.
Dammit, I just want to be one of those lucky people. The people that can buy clothes for their children. AJ has 2, yes TWO pairs of pants. I would love to buy him so more even if that means goodwill. What I really would love more than anything is to be one of those lucky people that can go out shopping with their friends on black friday and not stress over not having enough money. Last year while I stood in line I had to debate which toy I had to put back and only had enough for a 5 dollar baby doll and 2 hoodies for my children. I absolutely love black friday, call me crazy if you wish. I just want to be able to have fun on a day that I enjoy so much not go to my car and bawl my eyes out and envy the people around me. Why lord why can't I get over this damned speed bump!!!
My husband is an auto mechanic and gets paid on a flat fee; pretty much what he works on. If he doesn't have anything to work on, then he doesnt get paid. He goes into work from 8-5 and pretty much just stands around until there is work. Its that slow and so far has only 8 hours on his check. We have been getting a 800/month loss on his paychecks for the last few months. I try to do what I can and cut coupons and save by staying home. We don't own any credits cards nor cell phones. The only luxury we have is basic internet ( which also helps our home phone through magic jack). Every week it is the same; bills or groceries that we have to choose to go without. Have you ever fed a family of 6 on a $55 dollar per week budget? Not great let me tell ya. With milk soaring to almost 3 bucks a gallon, it just means less and less food in the fridge.
Having no money makes you mean; it rips at your soul and puts a true test to your own well being. I am starting to despise people that I should not even despise in the first place. If you eat at McDonalds or Taco Bell for lunch; I despise you. Don't tell me about you being able to spend money and go shopping; I will despise you as well. Its not that I really despise you; its just that I have been so poor for so long that I see it as I am a rabid, starved little dog and you are holding a steak over my head. I need change.
Well get a job you say? Easier said than done. My best friend has actually offered me a job. It is only 10/hr but thats not too bad. But add 450/month for Hannah's daycare plus 667/month for AJ and Nick's before and after school care that leaves me 155/wk from a 450 dollar paycheck. Since husband works two jobs (8am to 5pm and then 11pm to 4am) there is really no way to find an inbetween and work as a waitress, etc.
Dammit, I just want to be one of those lucky people. The people that can buy clothes for their children. AJ has 2, yes TWO pairs of pants. I would love to buy him so more even if that means goodwill. What I really would love more than anything is to be one of those lucky people that can go out shopping with their friends on black friday and not stress over not having enough money. Last year while I stood in line I had to debate which toy I had to put back and only had enough for a 5 dollar baby doll and 2 hoodies for my children. I absolutely love black friday, call me crazy if you wish. I just want to be able to have fun on a day that I enjoy so much not go to my car and bawl my eyes out and envy the people around me. Why lord why can't I get over this damned speed bump!!!
What the Christmas!!!
I'm sorry I just needed to take time and write how absolutely silly and ridiculous it is that they already have Christmas items out. It isn't even past Halloween yet; come on people!
While taking my children shopping for their ultimate outfit this year; I was baffled. In the store they have 2 long isles that face eachother with open space for standing stock. Along on of those isles were outfits for children, etc and then Halloween puke ( looked like the reaper had thrown boxes and displays with no care) all in the center space. The other wall, guess what, ornaments. Not your 'ooh lets dress up a tree in halloween' stuff; nope, Christmas ornaments. What are they thinking? Are they betting that you'll say, "While were out shopping for masks, etc.. Ohhh! I need more green on my tree this year."
I'm sorry to feel this way but Christmas is getting pushed way to quickly anymore. Sure it is the BEST holiday of the year. But for poor folk like me; its a nasty reminder that I have to be wise and not turn into a grinch. Almost like those ornaments are laughing at me. " Naner Naner, we will have your paycheck soon little girl."
Okay enough of the demented, talking ornaments; I can ignore them with my vacuum. Dyson; not only can suck up anything a 4yo can throw at it but can ward off evil imaginary stress. God Love Ya!
While taking my children shopping for their ultimate outfit this year; I was baffled. In the store they have 2 long isles that face eachother with open space for standing stock. Along on of those isles were outfits for children, etc and then Halloween puke ( looked like the reaper had thrown boxes and displays with no care) all in the center space. The other wall, guess what, ornaments. Not your 'ooh lets dress up a tree in halloween' stuff; nope, Christmas ornaments. What are they thinking? Are they betting that you'll say, "While were out shopping for masks, etc.. Ohhh! I need more green on my tree this year."
I'm sorry to feel this way but Christmas is getting pushed way to quickly anymore. Sure it is the BEST holiday of the year. But for poor folk like me; its a nasty reminder that I have to be wise and not turn into a grinch. Almost like those ornaments are laughing at me. " Naner Naner, we will have your paycheck soon little girl."
Okay enough of the demented, talking ornaments; I can ignore them with my vacuum. Dyson; not only can suck up anything a 4yo can throw at it but can ward off evil imaginary stress. God Love Ya!
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